DUUUUUUUUUUUUDE.
This week, President Brother (my favorite name) got a call from Bald Terrorist, saying “you rolled over so easily on giving me Jack Bauer, so I figured you’d release a bunch of foreign prisoners to me.” And what do you know, President Brother puts on his best Jack Bauer-ish voices and says, “Sure. And can I get you a beer while I’m up?” One of the prisoners escapes during his release (wait… what?) and meets up with Bald Terrorist. President Brother asks Jack Bauer to lead the mission. But that doesn’t matter.
Ahmed (who I call Phlegm because that’s what I produce when I pronounce his name correctly) has to deliver a package for Bald Terrorist, but has a bullet in his leg preventing him. So he sends one of his hostages to do it. Hostage delivers it, commits murder, and takes another package to Bald Terrorist while Hostage’s family escapes with the help of Jack Bauer (whose team kills Phlegm). But that doesn’t matter.
Jack Bauer fakes some totally awesome road rage so Not A Terrorist can take one of Bald Terrorist’s dudes to a secret hiding place (read: Public Storage) full of C-4 – and the dude blows himself up! But that doesn’t matter.
Sister Palmer gets out of the detention facility but her boss/boyfriend stays behind he recognizes some random Arabic another prisoner says… but not really. Sister Palmer and Larry FLEINhart get into a pissing match over the phone. But that doesn’t matter.
President Brother gives Not A Terrorist a full pardon (he’s Not A Terrorist… ANYMORE but was once known as Totally A Terrorist). This pisses Curtis off (he speaks) because it turns out that Not A Terrorist was Totally A Terrorist on Curtis’s men in Desert Storm. And from the description of what happened, I’m amazed Curtis lasted that long without putting a gun to his head. But, Curtis breaks down, tries to kill Not A Terrorist, and Jack has to make Curtis Not Alive – with a bullet in the neck! Curtis looks so sad as he goes to meet Tony in that conference room in the sky. (Get it? Because Tony is dead). Jack pukes (what did he throw up? I doubt the Chinese gave him food on that plane), then cries and quits. But that doesn’t matter.
What matters is that Bald Dude and escaped terrorist made a nuclear bomb – and detonate it! In the middle of California! With mushroom cloud-shaped results! And there’s apparently 4 more out there! And… Day 6 is off!
Good recap!
I’m confused. The new terrorist had to wait for mr. nuclear engineer to enable the one suitcase nuke but now there is a little problem. He is made up of ashes. If they already had 4 others ready why did they have to wait for him?
I think the nuke pissed Jack off and he is going to be back to his old self and even angrier in the next hours.
Karen,
Excellent recap, as always, but being the fact-stickler that I am, I feel obliged to point out that Kumar (aka Phlegm) didn’t have a bullet in his leg, but a big shard of glass (from the coffee-table that Redneck Neighbor threw him through). For a terrorist, he was sure a pussy. Come on, a shard of glass wouldn’t stop Jack! Which, I suppose, is why he always wins.
Do you remember that time Tony got shot in the neck, but he lived to drink from his Cubs mug again? It only proves that he is tougher than Now-Dead Curtis.
Tony will never die, because his memory lives on with us all. Michelle, however – bitch is TOAST.
Also, is it just me, or is Karen Hayes a total wimp this season? They need to have her kill Kim Bauer to really up her cred with me.
(Damn! Captcha isn’t showing up, so I can’t submit this!)
Alright, alright, alright (insert best matthew mcconoughey voice here.)
Redneck neighbor was actually the idiot catcher from Major League 2 (which didn’t really happen) that needed to memorize the articles in playboy in order to successfully throw the ball back to the pitcher. Moron.
Tony is way tougher than Curtis, but watch your mouth about Michelle. She still rounds out my top female characters list.
Speaking of, who wants to make a top 5 list for 24 characters? Mine goes like this:
1. Michelle Dessler
2. Nadia Yassir – new girl
3. Kim Bauer
4. Marie Warner (before she goes crazy)
5. Sarah Gavin (CTU girl that gets tortured accidentally in season 4)
Honorable Mentions:
Chloe O’Brian
Mandy (hot terrorist girl from season 1 that goes totally bi on us in the first 2 hours)
Jack was totally puking human flesh… i mean his only meal was the “Lost Boys” moment and there is only so much blood and neck flesh an empty stomach can handle.
Josh: Good question, with our luck they’ll probably say the escapee sent a terror text message to someone saying “OMG RED WIRE + BLU WIRE = BOOM WTF!”
Fitz: Bullet, shard of glass, both are foreign objects preventing him from going to White Castle. And Karen Hayes is making the rest of us Karens look bad.
Cap: SERIOUSLY, Kim is only #3 on your list? I thought she was the wind beneath your wings, or something.
Kristin: That’s the most awesome comment ever on any blog in history.
Cap,
You’re completely forgetting Nina Myers. And Major League II did happen, if only for the dialogue below exchanged between the japanese player and David Palmer:
“You’ve got no ……..MARBLES!”
“Marbles?……. HUEVOS?!!!!”
Rage Kage,
I think Sister Palmer should be called Sista Palmer. And I think boss/boyfriend should be called BossFriend, mainly because the actor was in Mo’ Money with Damon Wayans and bossfriend is exactly what Damon Wayans called that guy at one part of the movie.
Since I bought all the DVD’s and watched the seasons I’d missed, I have decided that although Elisha Cuthbert is one fine piece of work, Kim Bauer is kind of an idiot. Plus, her old man scares the bejesus out of me.
Dessler is more my type, brunette, very conservative, very rational. Although, she did dump Tony on his ass after he saved her life. She still stays #1 until the new girl proves her worth!
E,
Yes, he must be referred to as Bossfriend. Perfect. And Major League II sucked a fatty. Aside from David Palmer and the little ninja.
And I’m not a fan of Nina Myers…not so hot. I tried to think of every hot girl in the history of the show, including the fringe characters and that’s what I came up with. I will ammend the list if someone points out something I missed that was better. Right now, I’m sticking with the list as is…
damn, I have too much time on my hands today. If you haven’t seen it yet, here is the 24 version of wikipedia, good fun.
http://24.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page
I used it to create a new list.
I had forgotten about Jessica Abrams, Collette Stenger, and Carla Matheson. All easy on the eyes.
Cap, I just realized something else – Mandy, the Naked Lesbian Assassin is only an Honorable Mention? What the hell? She should be #1 on EVERYONE’s list. She is on mine!
I’m with you, Karen. But anyone with “Stab-you-in-the-back Dessler” at the top of his list clearly has his priorities mixed up.
Mandy was just kinda skanky. She looked alot better when she was on the plane than she did on the ground.
And where do you get off ripping on Michelle? Tony had a serious alcohol problem and had trouble getting his life back together. If the soulpatch could forgive and forget, why can’t you?
Bottom line: She was the most attractive, classy and intelligent woman to hit the show and it’s a damn shame she had to go in a car bomb. She deserved a better fate.
And where are your top 5 lists? Can’t bash mine if you won’t produce your own!
1. Chloe
2. Chloe
3. Chloe
4. Chloe
5. three-way tie: Tony, lesbian assassin, and Edgar
Cap, I’ll back you up on Dessler. I think she was hot. But still.
1. Chloe
2. Edgar
3. Tony
4. Michelle
5. Sista Palmer
(And of course, Jack would top list, but I think I’d be too much for him.)
Kumar was a huge wus, by the way. And for the record, even if he wouldn’t have been shot like the pansy he is, he would have died from respiratory arrest after downing the WHOLE BOTTLE of painkillers.