YOWZA. Do you remember when my 24 posts consisted of one sentence about whose ass Jack Bauer kicked this week? There’s just no way the awesomeness of this week’s events could be put into one sentence.
Let’s get the boring stuff out of the way: President Brother, Larry FLEINhart, Karen Hayes and Co. go into the super secret nuclear bunker underneath the White House. The Secretary of Defense (?) tries to get President Brother to nuke half of the planet and the White House speechwriter is putting together something that makes it sound like 12,000 Californians were just tickled to death by kittens, but President Brother refuses. President Brother confides in Larry FLEINhart that he’s scared, and… well, I don’t care because President Brother is the one who should be selling car insurance, not David Palmer.
Sister Palmer is bitching about her bossfriend being used as a plant in the interrogation camp. I could care less.
Jack Bauer is sad for about 2.3 seconds, then saves a dude from dying in a fiery helicopter crash caused by the nuclear sonic boom. What a convenient way to prove to Jack that he’s still needed! Then he calls Bill Buchanan and says he’s back in. That didn’t take long.
Chloe’s ex-husband/SECKS-BUDDY takes intel that Not A Terrorist gives and uses it to find a list of possible “people of interest”. One is Jack Bauer’s dad, and I will take a side note here to say that I was disappointed, because I always thought Jack Bauer was the spawn of Batman. Jack even has a brother… hmm, I wonder who it could be….
Erik: IT’S ROCKET ROMANO!
Karen: IT’S THE GUY FROM FAME!
Erik: No one but you knows him as the guy from Fame. On your post, you have to write “IT’S ROCKET ROMANO!”
Karen: Fine. I’ll put down that it’s Rocket Romano… better known to Karen as The Guy From Fame! (And that X-Files episode where he barfed up his own head.) I’ll also call him the Bluetooth Bastard.
Erik: That’s stupid.
Anyway, the BLUETOOTH BASTARD, aka that guy from Fame, aka President Logan’s puppet master from last season, is totally Jack Bauer’s brother! BRILLIANT! So BLUETOOTH BASTARD gets a heads up from a shady henchman about Jack, so he can be “pleasantly” surprised when Jack calls him to find out where their dad is. Jack doesn’t believe BLUETOOTH BASTARD when he says he doesn’t know, so he decides to make a surprise visit to his house. While there, Jack meets his son nephew and sees BLUETOOTH BASTARD’s wife, who he used to have a “thing” with and probably impregnated her just then by looking at her for longer than 3 seconds.
But enough with the family reunion! There’s no time! Jack takes BLUETOOTH BASTARD into the study and sucker punches him in the mouth! Then, he rips the cord off the lamp and uses it to tie him up (unfortunately, instead of electrocuting him).
Jack: I will hurt you.
BB: You’re hurting me now, actually!
Jack: Trust me… I’m not.
What Jack IS doing is reaching for a plastic bag… TO PUT ON BLUETOOTH BASTARD’S HEAD TO SUFFOCATE HIM WITH! WHILE DOING THAT, MY HEAD EXPLODED FROM THE AWESOME!
Next week, Jack is supposed to meet his dad. I’m assuming he won’t meet his mom – she obviously died in childbirth when Jack exploded out of her uterus, Alien-style.
First: excellent post.
Second: I shouldn’t write this because it can only cause trouble, but it’s one of those things that once you see, you can’t UN-see. BLUETOOTH BASTARD is totally Cap in 25 years (and about 100 pounds).
Personally, I was hoping that his brother would be Emilio Estevez, but BLUETOOTH BASTARD was just as good.
Too funny.
That kid is totally Jacks son.
President brother’s sister’s boyfriend is about to bite it.
At first I thought the girl getting in the evil dudes car was Kim. I figured she was going to be like “thanks for picking me up grandpa”. But luckily no.
Great post.
Fitz – when trying to do household chores and talk on the phone at the same time, I already am BLUETOOTH BASTARD minus the glasses, about 50-70 pounds, and the terrorist tendancies. You don’t even have to keep the phone on you, it stays in my room. Best. Invention. Ever. Unfortunately I can’t use it in the car because the soft top on the Jeep is too loud. LOUD NOISES!
President Brother is weak. President Brother’s sister is a bitch. President Brother’s Sister’s Boyfriend has guts, but he’s probably a dead man walking. I am President Brother’s Sister’s Boyfriend’s Uncle’s Sister-in-law’s Nephew’s former roommate.
Cap,
I see your schwartz is a big as mine…or at least your knowledge of Space Balls.
WHERE IS OUR 24 UPDATE FOR THIS WEEK!?