Karen, Erik and Jack

(Shut it, I’ve been busy. But that’s for another post.)

Wanna be on top? Not even if your name was ZZ. This week we encounter the Dread Pirate Makeover, in which some girls end up looking better, some worse, some exactly the same, and at least one like a straw-covered Muppet. But Jenah was ugly anyway, so who cares? The episodes start with the usual shots of the girls whining. “Modeling is HARD! This competition is HARD!” Victoria is all, “And I thought Yale [and getting fitted for horseshoes] was HARD!” Because they show her bitching the most, she is definitely the one going home.

Tyra’s mail compares their upcoming makeovers to butterfly metamorphosis. #1 how many times do you think Tyra would have to pound that word into spell check before it came out right (if I actually thought she wrote these herself)? #2 Comparing these bitches to butterflies is insulting to the butterfly. Perhaps “a pile of dog poo into compost” is a more apt simile.

At the salon, Tyra uses 1995-era technology to show the girls what they will look like after their makeovers (only without the tears). Everyone is excited! So far. The good news is they are leaving Heather’s hair pretty much alone (YAY HEATHER I LOVE YOU!) and getting rid of the cheap weaves of Ebony and Bianca (of the “Check out yo thighs in the mirrah!” fame). Saleisha got an UGLY bob that makes her look like Tootie. But at least it is distracting from her borderline plus-size thighs. Speaking of plus-size, Sarah gets a hair cut that makes her look like Starbuck. And by that, I mean she looks like a lesbian. But one who is secure with her body! Victoria gets some highlights in her mane (HA! See what I did there?) and says she vows to be a smart blonde. Obviously not, since her highlights are still brown. Janet gets her hair dyed black and looks exactly like Liza. Chantal gets bangs. Jenah shows that the hair should match the face, resulting in the ugliest hair extensions known to mankind. It’s unbeweaveable!

As Bianca’s hair is worked on, the stylists realize it has far too much damage to get the Beyonce look they are after. Which is funny, since Beyonce totally wears a lace-front wig. So they decide to shave it off and let her wear a wig (so she will look like Beyonce after all!) As Bianca silently cries, Saleisha ponders whether she can get away with telling her that her tears are looking borderline plus size.

Back at the house, the Tyra mail reads: “Can you make your way from the backstage to the front of the modeling industry?” You know what that means – They have to take it in the butt. I’m talking DOWNTOWN! Kidding. They have to do some stupid challenge where they put on cheap cosmetics and change clothes. It’s boring, and Starbuck Sarah wins. NEXT.

The next Tyra mail asks if they are ready to be “deflowered”. DOWNTOWN! They are to do a photo shoot all dressed up as flowers. Except for Heather, who has to dress as a weed. Come on! Have they never even heard of the Americans with Disabilities Act? Whatever, she makes that weed look FIERCE. Chantal makes her baby’s breath look like it has a penis. Saleisha makes her tulip look like Tootie (I would have made a joke about something with Mrs. Garrett, but now *I* am Mrs. Garrett). Lisa makes her bamboo look like a stripper pole (excuse me, *bikini dancer*). Victoria makes her cactus look like a saddle (See? What I did there??). Everyone else puts me to sleep. Except Bianca makes her bald head work! No wig for her, which is good since Tyra needs them all.

It’s elimination, bitches! I give these girls four thumbs down. Victoria is first and seals her fate when the judges make a stupid comment about she was a cactus because of her “prickly disposition”, and SHE! SAYS! “Can we get one thing straight? I do NOT have a prickly disposition.” And then the rest of the girls get up and have their picture shown, but there’s really no more suspense, is there? Victoria told Twiggy and Tyra “Can we get one thing straight?” and it was awesome. Victoria immediately takes off her shoes (which I learned later, caused Tyra to CALL SECURITY because she thought Victoria was going to hit her!) and hits the dusty trail.

People, do yourself a favor and read this post-show interview with Victoria. Made me stop comparing her to a horse for at least 30 seconds. Best part?

IG: Did you ever hug Tyra?
VM: I did, and I was afraid she’d eat me.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 5th, 2007 at 4:25 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.