Karen, Erik and Jack

Thank you for your interest in my personal belongings! I admit, I do have some fascinating treasures at my disposal with which I perform my duties. That mousepad you took totally rocks, doesn’t it? As I’m sure you know, it’s a combination mousepad and notepad which I used to jot down phone numbers and tasks. Really helps with my ADD. Or at least, it DID until it was taken a few months ago.

Or my tin of change that I used for my Diet Coke fund. It was a pretty yellow tin tucked away in the corner of my cube. But you found it! Not only did you gain $1.65 or so in dimes and nickels, but you gained a pretty object that I found at Paper Skyscraper. Which means, I probably paid too much for it. Lucky you, it’s now yours for free!

And finally, a small blue paper crane that was made for me by one of my mentors. It was made out of a large scrap of sky blue paper, not worth a dime. Of course, it had a lot of sentimental value to me and was an inspiration that I used to center myself when I was stressed… blah blah blah HOPE YOU FIND IT PRETTY! Since you certainly found it tucked away in my stationary box!

Now, since I currently have no lockable drawer in my cube (but have asked HR to change that), here are my suggestions for other items you may find amusing and steal-able:

• My red book – it’s the notebook I carry with me to every on-site event, and is a collection of all items that come up at the last minute. I study it before every event to see what sort of issues can be planned for ahead of time.  Of interest to you – it’s pretty! Covered in red pleather and some stickers! Has graph paper! Would really piss me off if it were taken!
• Pez dispenser – this was also a gift, from my first real boss. MAN, would it upset me if this were missing. It’s hiding among my belongings because I keep it around for good luck. But I’m sure you’ll find it before I have a chance to take it home!
• Photos of my husband, family, friends – Since you’re taking personal objects, why not go for the gold?
• Chewing gum stash – I have a wide selection of gum at my disposal hidden somewhere at my cube. Various flavors and brands. Catch it if you can!
• My stationary box – This box is full of stationary that my team uses to send thank you notes to vendors and people who have helped us at shows. But screw them, huh??
• Various office supplies – you probably already have a stapler, or various cheap ballpoint pens, or paper clips. But why not steal mine too?

In conclusion, enjoy your tour of amazement at the Cubicle of Fnur. However, be aware that even if it means placing the FRED CAM in my cube, I will find out who you are – so we can have a friendly chat! With HR and the fine folks at the Charlotte Mecklenburg Police Department!

Have a great Easter holiday – stolen paper clips are a great way to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord!

You read that right… meat panties! And meat vests and necklaces and halter tops. No matter what else happened in this episode, remember… trust… MEAT PANTIES. You guys, when Tyra finds out you stole her 4 pm snack to make beefy britches for the bitches, she is going to be PISSED.

The girls have to do runway practice in a firehouse in front of the firemen. NOT ONE of the girls succeed in giving a a fireman some wood. Except Miss Jay – I saw that fireman on the left give the long and lusty eye. Careful, fireman – Miss Jay will give you the kind of burn that can only be fixed with a hydrant full of Valtrex.

Then, the girls get to do a runway show for Tuleh – and JASLENE and her deaf girl voice is there! Dominique is all, “I never thought of putting my testicles in my chin like she does… what a concept!” What’s her face, Katzatxtavavawhatever, she rocks it. Kazhavzozosof for the win! Whitney walks out with her real-size boobsicle hanging out, and Fatima is too horrified by the memory of weave-pain to correctly button her sweater. Amis is an idiot and can’t walk correctly – as usual. But Lauren “the weirdo punk” is flat out horrible, because she’s too petrified. Jaslene asks her afterwards, DOO JZOUU WUNT TO BEEE HEEEEREJ? ID DUZZJ NAT SEEEM LIK JZOUU WUNT TO BEEE HEEEERJ. And Lauren is crushed. Blah blah. Best part of this segment – the bitchy looks Miss Jay gives the girls when they are on the runway. The Amanda Woodward in me rejoices.

And! Then! The girls go to the meat packing district, which NATURALLY means the girls have to wear meat. Get it? Me either.  The girls are all ewwwwwww meat, it’s cold and thick and slippery AND MY MIND IS OVERLOADED WITH THE MEAT JOKES. Especially when Mr. Jay is there looking like he just got off his shift at the Ice Capades. MEAT MEAT MEAT. Only a picture will do it justice.

DID I NOT TELL YOU THERE WERE MEAT PANTIES? I CAN NOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH! I can think of no less than 6 ways to take jokes from here. But I let meat panties speak for themselves. Side note: Keep an ear out for my new progressive metal band, ‘Meat Panties”. We do bar mitzvahs!

Back at the house, well everything after meat panties is a let down. Amis is a lazy sod, Tyra sings to everyone and reminds us why her album never took off, the judges incorrectly think Kzkzkzkzkzk looks slutty, and Fatima cries. But it’s Amis who gets kicked off, and not a moment too soon. Get off my screen, meat crotch! Sorry, Dominique, I wasn’t talking to you. Yet.

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It’s E’s birthday too, YAH!

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They say it’s E’s birthday!

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We’re gonna have a good time!

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I’m glad it’s E’s birthday!

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He’s gonna have a good time (once-he-gets-off-work-and-can-relax)!

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIK!!!!! YOU RRRRRRR THE BEST!

my boss put this sign on my parking spot today

Originally uploaded by erikdgarrett.

so i moved it to a more appropriate location. baseball is back!