Karen, Erik and Jack

This one is for Fitz (sorry for calling you a Dick ). If Fitz thought Chloe was hot before, I bet he’s drooling now.

Thanks to aintitcool.com for the pic and post. Original story and more pics here.

Two weeks to recap and 1/2 the patience – LET’S GO!

2 weeks ago:

Jack Bauer: OW, my rib! It’s broken by I forget what!
Denethor: OW, my body! It’s mortally wounded by Ricky Schroder’s bullets!

Ricky Schroder: OW, my pride! Miles is a dick to me and Executive Producer Keifer Sutherland refuses to call me Rick!

Larry FLEINhart: OW, my conscience! It’s ruined by VP Powers Boothe!

VP Powers Boothe: OW, my acting! Enough said.

Agent Pierce: OW, my pelvis, from my Karen-imagined all-night boner time with the former first lady!

Former First Lady: OW, my chemical imbalance! It’s screwed up now that my ex-husband wants me to do him a favor to save the world!

President Logan: OW, my really important artery! Martha put a knife in it!

(fin)

Last week:

Jack: Dude, my rib is fine. But Marilyn, I can not get a boner for you because I am in love with Auuuudrey.

Marilyn: She died in China looking for you. But I’m alive, and a slut.

Jack: NOOOOOO

VP Powers Boothe: Find the one nuclear drone that got launched or I will bomb the entire Middle East!

Bill Buchanan: Ain’t no thang, I found it.

VP Powers Boothe: Fuck it, I’ll do it anyway.

Karen Hayes: NOOOO! We must wake up President Brother so he can stop it, even though he’ll be incredibly drugged and injured and in no legal capacity to make an Executive Order. GOD I’m brilliant!

President Logan: …

Former First Lady: …

WTF, NOTHING on them last week? Instead we get Karen Hayes’ HORRIBLE idea?

PS Audrey is as dead as Tony is alive. In other words, NOT AT ALL.

…totally sucked! I know that Uncle LeeChee is going to lay a big fat “I told you so” fart in the comments, but I don’t care. I didn’t even feel like blogging about last week’s episode, but I knew that Fitz would have a seizure if I did not. So let’s get to it…

President Brother gave his most compelling performance to date – because he was unconcious the entire time. He survived the bomb (unlike Assad), but being in surgery makes it hard to run the country. Enter VP Powers Boothe, who still creeps me the frak out (PS – RIP Kara Thrace).

The idiot brother of Rob Lowe gives Larry FLEINhart a “peptalk” about how Larry should go along with the whole “killing President Brother for the good of the country” bit. Before Larry can even tell him yay or nay, Rob Bro-we LETS HIM GO and parades him in front of the Secret Service. Larry FLEINhart takes 5 seconds of suspenseful contemplation before turning him in as the would-be assassin of President Brother. SS takes Larry into custody for questioning, but Powers Boothe tells him to go along with blaming Assad for the assassination attempt, and Larry’s plan can go into effect. That sound you heard? Was my thunderous *facepalm*.

Jack Bauer and Ex-President Logan go to see the Russian Consulate – I’ll be damned, it’s Denethor! Logan is all, “I know you know where Gredenko is!” And Denethor says, “I don’t even know where Boromir is, let alone Gredenko.” Logan says, “Tell me or I will expose you and you’ll be sent to some Russian hellhole prison and executed.” Denethor says, “Never! The rule of Gondor is mine!”

Logan gives up and waits until he and Jack are in the limo to say, “You know what? I bet he was lying.” Jack makes the COLOSSALLY STUPID IDEA to break into the Russian Embassy and capture/torture Denethor. Why is this such a bad idea? Perhaps because he’s probably still jet-lagged after his trip from China, where he was imprisoned and tortured for 2 years for another Embassy visit gone wrong. EVEN LOGAN TELLS HIM THIS IS STUPID. Jack does it anyway. Normally, I admire Jack Bauer for his pluck and initiative. Not now.

Jack Bauer: “Russian Consolate, I am here to find out where Gredenko is and you WILL take me seriously!”

Denethor: “Can you sing, Master Hobbit?”

Jack Bauer: “NO SHORT JOKES – now I’m going to cut off your finger!”

Denethor: “OW! Come, sing me a song!”

Jack Bauer: “I’ll cut off another!”

Denethor: “FINE he’s in the desert. You’ve got a couple of hours until the world blows up. Now bring wood and oil.”

Russian Cops: “RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE You’re under arrest, hobbit!”

Jack Bauer: “NO the hobbit was on last season!”

Jack immediately talks a Russian dude into helping him – until Russian dude gets shot by another Russian dude! Since I don’t know either of their names, I don’t care!

Next time: OH MY FREAKING GOD MARTHA LOGAN IS BACK AND SHE’S WITH AGENT PIERCE AND I BET THEY HAVE “the relations”.

�

Every week as I write these, I want to also write a post about what’s new with me and what’s going on in the House of Garrett (formerly the House of FNUR, FNUR, a saying that I still use on a daily basis). But then I think, I can’t write that post now because I have to write the 24 post. If the personal post appears above the 24 post, no one will see the 24 post. If the 24 post appears above the personal post, no one will see the personal post. If I combine the 2, that’s a really long post.

But today, I AM going to combine the two because I believe my life is more interesting than this week’s episode. Let’s begin!

This week in 24, Morris generally sucked at his job and at life. Chloe discovered that he did not call his sponsor and confronted him in the bathroom while he was totally doing Number 2! And he jumped up – and didn’t even wipe! He told her he called his OTHER sponsor, and lame Chloe (yes, I said it) believed him. Then he poured out his whiskey bottle to his trash can homey.

This week, I went to the bathroom every 5 minutes or so, but it was really just to blow my nose. I had a cold last week and it made moving very hard. The cold turned into a sinus infection, but a round of antibiotics and some rest got me back in shape. But I am still blowing my nose a lot (and at least I wipe).

We learned the delivery system for the nuclear bobms are some kind of US drone planes, and Gredenko has those.

I learned how to make buttons, and made one of myself with a picture of me as a pirate! YARRR!

Keifer says goodbye to Marilyn, and they give each other a super dumb look that says “Oh Jack, hold me like you did by the lake in Naboo!**”. He visits President Logan, who is super religious now and insists that he be let out of his deluxe presidential ranch exile to talk to some Russian ambassador to get to Gredenko. Then they took the next 40 minutes to get changed into suits.

We moved last weekend, and the new place is great! It take me 40 minutes to get ready in the new place, but 15 of those are because Erik kicks me out of the bathroom so he can poop.

Chad Lowe kept Larry FLEINhart tied up while Random Mysterious Dude smuggled in explosives – in his HIGHLIGHTERS. He spent most of the episode creating a bomb in his tape recorder, then Chad Lowe snuck it into where President Brother and Assad went to practice their speech. But they don’t make highlighter-tape recorder bombs like they used to, because it starts leaking just enough to give Assad & Co. a second’s notice before the bomb blows up. Potential Presidential Parts everywhere!

Ok, I can’t beat that. But since it’s about lame characters, I really don’t care.

**For the record, Erik doesn’t find that joke funny and thinks I am being disrespectful to Star Wars for telling it. I say that I am making a punchline out of a lame scene/piece of dialogue in what is otherwise a spectacular movie franchise which I enjoy very much. Commenters – you be the judge.

I was going to make a picture of Jack and Marilyn in Episode 3 saying that line, but I thought that might be pushing it. So instead I present this:

�

(Look at me, I’m on time! Apologies if all my funny was used up in the last post)

This week in 24, I longed for the days of Auuuuudrey. She and her fabulous coat could snap that idiot Marilyn in half without thinking about it. That, or her dad could. Marilyn spends the episode floundering about like Olive Oyl while Jack actually gets shit done – finds Dad Bauer, saves his her son, etc. More on that in a minute.

Larry FLEINhart spends the episode pacing, then developing a bit of a mancrush on President Brother when he asks for Larry’s help in Assad’s speech. After helping, Larry decides to rat out Chad Lowe by calling the Secret Service. But before he can spill the beans, SYKE! ALL UP IN YOUR HEAD WITH A PIECE OF LEAD! Chad Lowe beats Larry FLEINhart, who tells him “There’s never any excuse for assasinating a President especially this one who could give me a kickass letter of recommendation !” Chad calls off Secret Service and skulks away. Side note: is no one in the bunker suspicious of all the time these two have spent in the boiler room/closet? If it were Seattle Grace, everyone could just assume they were boning. But they don’t have that luxury on this show.

Morris continues his parade of pity by acting all emo and taking it out on Chloe. Now, I don’t think Morris should be back at work. But since he went willingly, the least he could do is suck it up and be quiet. Instead, he snaps at Chloe, Miles, What’s Her Name (Cap’s Girlfriend, who did you know is a scientologist?) sneaks off and rinses his mouth out with whiskey and cries real tears. Then Chloe gives him what she may consider a verbal bitchslap, but longtime Chloe fans consider a mild tickle. LAME! Perhaps when Morris decides to give up his weeping vagina costume, I’ll go back to liking him.

Sister Palmer wasn’t in this episode! SCORE!

Jack Bauer spends the episode with Marilyn and her pratfalls. He threatens her life, then gets her to call Dad Bauer and make him meet her to give up the grandkid (what’s his name? Jack Jr?). They show up at the hotel, where Dad Bauer has a gun to Jack Jr’s head and threatens to make his will even SHORTER. Jack convinces him to trade Jack Jr. for him. Dad Bauer acts like he’s about to assassinate Jack, who gives a the standard “ALL I EVER WANTED WAS FOR YOU TO LOVE ME!” speech. Jack turns around – Dad Bauer gave him the slip! But he did leave a phone with Grizzly Adams’ phone number in it. Wait a sec, that’s no Grizzly Adams… THAT’S PRESIDENT LOGAN (is an idiot)! And he’s been waiting for Jack’s call! KICKASS!

(No picture tonight, dinner just arrived!)

(I’ve just been busy and tired, not necessarily in that order. Sorry, guys.)

Morris, I’m pretty sure you’re never going to be a negotiator. Or, a man (in my eyes) ever again. After being captured, he tries to convince McCarthy’s girlfriend to let him escape. Instead, she kills McCarthy and delivers him to Fayid. After a short but gruesome time being tortured, Morris gives up everything – how to arm the nuclear bombs, his ATM PIN, his mother’s address. Fayid is a nanosecond from killing Morris when Jack Bauer comes in and saves the day – and disarms the nuclear bomb left behind! When Morris tells Jack that he gave up the nuclear arming device, Jack is all, “Are you fucking kidding me? I was tortured for two years, got back TODAY, been used as a hostage and tortured, killed a colleague, survived a nuclear bomb, saved random dudes from a helicopter, tortured my brother TWICE, supposedly killed him and had to find you and ps YOU’RE WELCOME. And you don’t see me giving up (since the nuke went off).” Morris spends the next hour whining at CTU until Chloe shames some sense into him, and he gets back to work. I’m so disappointed in him!

Dr. Larry FLEINhart starts trying to remember the words to “Take This Job and Shove It” (he’d write his own song, but nothing rhymes with “colossal liberal mistake”) when Chad Lowe tells him to hold his horses. If FLEINhart stays in office, he might not have to work for Brother Palmer much longer anyway, wink wink, cough cough, shadow shadow. FLEINhart is aghast for 3 seconds and then decides he’s in. He gives Chad Lowe Brother Palmer’s itinerary, which shouldn’t be too full since he’s TRAPPED IN A BUNKER.

Speaking of Brother Palmer, he spent the episode writing a speech with NOT a Terrorist and getting pissy phone calls from Powers Booth. Nobody cares.

Jack is… well, not TERRIBLY upset that his brother is dead (seemingly because of him, thanks to crappy autopsy results). But Jack does tell Bill Buchanan that he wants to accept the consequences of his actions, instead of having Buchanan try to cover it up. Yeah, MORRIS, that’s how you deal with a problem, instead of being snippy with your girlfriend! Marilyn is not particularly upset at Jack either, so she gives him some random memory of this one time, there was this place and this guy and her husband was there? So Jack decides to take her out there to see if it can lead them to Gredenko (ps someone remind me what season he was in before).

On the way out there, Dad Bauer calls Marilyn and says, “Guess what? I totally killed your husband. I am the father in law FROM HELL and I will kill your son who happens to be with me if you do not lead Jack Bauer to this house where I planted a bomb!” And Marilyn… GOES ALONG WITH IT. IDIOT. She was stupid on Melrose Place, too. Marilyn ignores the infinite number of opportune moments to tell Jack the truth, and almost gets him killed from the explosion. Marilyn and Milo (yah, he was there too) run away from Dad Bauer’s evil henchmen. Milo can’t drive for shit, but he does a great job of blowing up their getaway vehicle and making a (probably shortlived) getaway.

I certainly did not want to be late with this post – hate to risk the wrath of Cap’s comments!

This week in 24 was… pretty good. Let’s get the boring out of the way:

Sister Palmer is at Bossfriend’s bedside, then calls President Brother to be all “BOO HOO the price of safety should never be the freedoms and rights of the citizens, BOO HOOOOOO” and President Brother agrees. He brings his cabinet together and Vice President Powers Boothe from at least 35% of every Lifetime Movie ever (and Sin City, so that helps) and tells them that he’s thinking of going along with Dr. Larry FLEINhart’s proposal… but not really. SYKE!

Karen Hayes leaves the underground bunker, but not before calling her husband to tell him she resigned, refusing to explain why, and then refusing his call. Perhaps her next job can be as a relationship counselor? She has so much to teach us!

Not boring:

McCarthy emails Fayid with the picture and resume (side note: I totally love how European people call it a CV. Am I the only one?) of the person who can trigger the rest of their nuclear bombs. While it takes CTU an hour to figure out who is in the picture, it takes the Garrett household all of a few seconds. OF COURSE it’s Morris. Of course, CTU figures it out 30 seconds after Morris leaves to attend to his sick brother (so he thinks). By the time CTU reach him, he’s totally captured by McCarthy! Personally, I blame Chloe, only because I’m disappointed in how not-as-bitchy she’s been this season.

Totally awesome:

Dad Bauer and Jack escape – after Dad Bauer shoots the guy that Jack wanted to question. I guess Jack doesn’t believe in foreshadowing, because they go back to Typo’s house to interrogate him. Jack tortures the crap out of of Typo (probably literally, this show is on Fox after all) but feels really bad about it. Until Typo tells him that GUESS WHAT he orchestrated the assassinations of David Palmer, Michelle & Soul Patch Tony! Jack’s head nearly explodes and he tries to kill him and every agent in the room, until Dad Bauer gives him a stern look that says “you are GROUNDED, mister!”

Dad Bauer gives Jack this sob story about hos Jack deserves a better family. Jack goes back to CTU while Dad Bauer visits Typo… and they reveal that they are both in on it and totally evil. But Dad Bauer is just a little bit more evil, and kills Typo.

(Give us a break, Cap, we’ve had a crappy week!)

This week in 24… I dunno, maybe because the last two episodes ended with such insane-in-the-brain endings, this one seemed a bit dull. Let’s start with the things I still don’t care about:

Dr. Larry FLEINhart, with the assistance of his man-secretary Chad Lowe, got Karen Hayes to tender her resignation to President Brother. FINE see if I care. Dr. Larry FLEINhart also started implenting his campaign to use the Bill of Rights as toilet paper, including racial profiling of Agent Nadia. Are we supposed to feel bad for her? Because I think she’s the mole.

Sister Palmer continues to annoy everyone at Camp Detainment-awana, and her Bossfriend blows his “undercover” operation and gets his face rearranged (I suppose during the arts and crafts portion? I don’t know what camp is like.)

We find out that BLUETOOTH BASTARD’s name is spelled Graem. How the hell do you name one child JACK and one child GRAEM? His name looks like a typo! It has obviously inflicted psychological damage on him (as did being suffocated with a plastic bag for over nine minutes), because Graem leads Jack to his dad – and double crosses them both! Dad Bauer (James Cromwell, who sports grandpa hair) and Jack are now Typo’s (it’s shorter than BLUETOOTH BASTARD and I am lazy) captives. I just don’t see this working well for Typo.

PS how cute is it to see Jack next to Dad Bauer? Keifer Sutherland is no less than a foot shorter than James Cromwell.

YOWZA. Do you remember when my 24 posts consisted of one sentence about whose ass Jack Bauer kicked this week? There’s just no way the awesomeness of this week’s events could be put into one sentence.

Let’s get the boring stuff out of the way: President Brother, Larry FLEINhart, Karen Hayes and Co. go into the super secret nuclear bunker underneath the White House. The Secretary of Defense (?) tries to get President Brother to nuke half of the planet and the White House speechwriter is putting together something that makes it sound like 12,000 Californians were just tickled to death by kittens, but President Brother refuses. President Brother confides in Larry FLEINhart that he’s scared, and… well, I don’t care because President Brother is the one who should be selling car insurance, not David Palmer.

Sister Palmer is bitching about her bossfriend being used as a plant in the interrogation camp. I could care less.

Jack Bauer is sad for about 2.3 seconds, then saves a dude from dying in a fiery helicopter crash caused by the nuclear sonic boom. What a convenient way to prove to Jack that he’s still needed! Then he calls Bill Buchanan and says he’s back in. That didn’t take long.

Chloe’s ex-husband/SECKS-BUDDY takes intel that Not A Terrorist gives and uses it to find a list of possible “people of interest”. One is Jack Bauer’s dad, and I will take a side note here to say that I was disappointed, because I always thought Jack Bauer was the spawn of Batman. Jack even has a brother… hmm, I wonder who it could be….

Erik: IT’S ROCKET ROMANO!

Karen: IT’S THE GUY FROM FAME!

Erik: No one but you knows him as the guy from Fame. On your post, you have to write “IT’S ROCKET ROMANO!”

Karen: Fine. I’ll put down that it’s Rocket Romano… better known to Karen as The Guy From Fame! (And that X-Files episode where he barfed up his own head.) I’ll also call him the Bluetooth Bastard.

Erik: That’s stupid.

Anyway, the BLUETOOTH BASTARD, aka that guy from Fame, aka President Logan’s puppet master from last season, is totally Jack Bauer’s brother! BRILLIANT! So BLUETOOTH BASTARD gets a heads up from a shady henchman about Jack, so he can be “pleasantly” surprised when Jack calls him to find out where their dad is. Jack doesn’t believe BLUETOOTH BASTARD when he says he doesn’t know, so he decides to make a surprise visit to his house. While there, Jack meets his son nephew and sees BLUETOOTH BASTARD’s wife, who he used to have a “thing” with and probably impregnated her just then by looking at her for longer than 3 seconds.

But enough with the family reunion! There’s no time! Jack takes BLUETOOTH BASTARD into the study and sucker punches him in the mouth! Then, he rips the cord off the lamp and uses it to tie him up (unfortunately, instead of electrocuting him).

Jack: I will hurt you.

BB: You’re hurting me now, actually!

Jack: Trust me… I’m not.

What Jack IS doing is reaching for a plastic bag… TO PUT ON BLUETOOTH BASTARD’S HEAD TO SUFFOCATE HIM WITH! WHILE DOING THAT, MY HEAD EXPLODED FROM THE AWESOME!

Next week, Jack is supposed to meet his dad. I’m assuming he won’t meet his mom – she obviously died in childbirth when Jack exploded out of her uterus, Alien-style.

DUUUUUUUUUUUUDE.

This week, President Brother (my favorite name) got a call from Bald Terrorist, saying “you rolled over so easily on giving me Jack Bauer, so I figured you’d release a bunch of foreign prisoners to me.” And what do you know, President Brother puts on his best Jack Bauer-ish voices and says, “Sure. And can I get you a beer while I’m up?” One of the prisoners escapes during his release (wait… what?) and meets up with Bald Terrorist. President Brother asks Jack Bauer to lead the mission. But that doesn’t matter.

Ahmed (who I call Phlegm because that’s what I produce when I pronounce his name correctly) has to deliver a package for Bald Terrorist, but has a bullet in his leg preventing him. So he sends one of his hostages to do it. Hostage delivers it, commits murder, and takes another package to Bald Terrorist while Hostage’s family escapes with the help of Jack Bauer (whose team kills Phlegm). But that doesn’t matter.

Jack Bauer fakes some totally awesome road rage so Not A Terrorist can take one of Bald Terrorist’s dudes to a secret hiding place (read: Public Storage) full of C-4 – and the dude blows himself up! But that doesn’t matter.

Sister Palmer gets out of the detention facility but her boss/boyfriend stays behind he recognizes some random Arabic another prisoner says… but not really. Sister Palmer and Larry FLEINhart get into a pissing match over the phone. But that doesn’t matter.

President Brother gives Not A Terrorist a full pardon (he’s Not A Terrorist… ANYMORE but was once known as Totally A Terrorist). This pisses Curtis off (he speaks) because it turns out that Not A Terrorist was Totally A Terrorist on Curtis’s men in Desert Storm. And from the description of what happened, I’m amazed Curtis lasted that long without putting a gun to his head. But, Curtis breaks down, tries to kill Not A Terrorist, and Jack has to make Curtis Not Alive – with a bullet in the neck! Curtis looks so sad as he goes to meet Tony in that conference room in the sky. (Get it? Because Tony is dead). Jack pukes (what did he throw up? I doubt the Chinese gave him food on that plane), then cries and quits. But that doesn’t matter.

What matters is that Bald Dude and escaped terrorist made a nuclear bomb – and detonate it! In the middle of California! With mushroom cloud-shaped results! And there’s apparently 4 more out there! And… Day 6 is off!