Karen, Erik and Jack

You know what this innocent-looking dog did to me this weekend?

He tea bagged me.  PLOP right on the face. (Dad, I beg you not to click on that link.)

If he wasn’t going to be fixed before, he DEFINITELY is now. His reign of testicle terror will be over in about two months.

IN OTHER NEWS

1. Amber and Pizza and I are working on a super cool new web site project. I’m not ready to give the details yet, but it does involve me using a sewing machine and not breaking out into a sweat for the first time in many years.

2. The first show to be recapped is going to be America’s Next Top Model, which premieres this Wednesday. Remember that a contestant is a transsexual. We can expect Tyra to claim that she TOTALLY knows what it’s like, because of that one time backstage at the Marc Jacobs show where Naomi slapped her with a dildo.

The House of Garrett/Office of FNUR has been monitoring the voting/commenting on this entry with great interest. However, we have not updated before now for the following reasons:

1. Both of us have been swamped at work.

2. Erik’s arm is falling off. Long story for another post.

3. Our ceiling is leaking.

4. Last week while Erik was at someone’s house for one of his fantasy football drafts and I was home with the pets, Stanley threw up all over the carpet, then pooped on the wall (YES, THE WALL!), then the door jam. Then he peed on the kitchen floor, which I did not discover until we were playing in the kitchen and I slipped, falling ass over tea kettle right into the fresh urine puddle. Frankly, I am not yet over that experience.

5. How can you expect us to update when Netflix has been mailing us the goodness of Dexter Season 2?

6. Other than MY DOG SHIT ON THE WALL, I have not had much to update about. Been working, been walking (gimme money please).

Erik is now on a work trip, so I am spending quality time with the boys. As we speak, Fred is on the kitchen counter showing me his displeasure at not being fed yet. Also, he is showing me his butthole.  Stanley and I have gone on a walk, and he is currently in the family room with me cycling through his favorite things to chew: his giraffe toy from Clyde, his frisbee from Grandma, his tail, Erik’s 25 lb. dumbbell, my foot.

But back to the business at hand! Here’s how the votes break down:

America’s Next Top Model: 5

24: 1

Bones: 0 (BOO where’s the Bones love?)
Chuck: 1
Heroes: 1
House: 1
Lost: 1

The Office: 1
Eureka: 1
Battlestar Gallactica: 1
Friday Night Lights: 1
Well, I think we all knew I was going to do ANTM. But I had planned on trying a second show. But due to the 9-way tie, I’m in a bit of a dilemma. So here’s what I am going to do.

I’m doing all of them (except Bones since no one voted for it) at least once. It may be the first episode of the season, it may not. It depends on when I am sitting in front of the TV with my laptop, Bernie Mac and in a snarky mood. And not yelling at the dog.

I’ll continue recapping the show(s) that get the most comments, and that seem to translate well into the “5-8 paragraph brief sarcastic recap” format. Otherwise, I’m not going to bother. Your comments are like heroin to me, people. I need them and I can’t get enough. Also, I don’t know how some of these are going to translate to my snarky yet lazy writing style. So, we’ll just see how it goes.

How’s that sound?

Now, because I’m jonesing for comments, everyone tell us what you’re going to do over the Labor Day weekend. Erik and I are going to relax as much as possible (especially him as he needs it). We’re going to a Labor Day party at Pizza & Justin’s new place in Albemarle – a town that barely shows up in maps, may or may not have indoor plumbing, but seems pretty neat. Well, it must be neat if Pizza is there. Also, I’m feeling particularly creative (could be an impending stroke) so I’m going to try to do some art and some crafting this weekend. Thankfully, my studly husband made me that awesome desk!  Speaking of which, I need to take pictures of the finished desk and bookshelves Erik built, so I can post them here. And then you all can be like, “WOW your husband is SO COOL and AWESOME” and I can say, “You don’t even know the half of it!”

I’m spent. Insert funny ending here. Gotta go prevent the dog from eating poop.

ETA: I heard posts with pictures are read/commented on more. So here you go. For those of you who read my old blog and remember the great shoe debate, PLEASE NOTE THAT I AM WEARING CHUCKS AND THEY ARE THE GREATEST.

I’m working on a larger post of about going to DC last weekend, but I’m waiting for Pizza to post her pics to Flickr. Because hers are better than mine, and because she has a picture of me giving a double-team lapdance to Jam. Meanwhile, here are a couple that I took and tweaked.

i hate snakes

Originally uploaded by erikdgarrett.

I mean, I can’t stand them. They freak me out like nothing else. So imagine my surprise (read: horror) when I see Stanley sniffing and possibly trying to eat a snake in our front yard. And then imagine that I have to go near said snake. Thank God it was already dead. But I still had to touch it, even though I did so with gloves on and with a rag.

I repeat, I HAD TO TOUCH it. Did I mention I hate snakes?

And that the only good snakes are dead or flattened on the side of the road?

Ok, glad we cleared that up.

Hey kids! Ever wonder what a hot, exciting sexy couple like the Garretts do on your average Tuesday night? Here’s what we’re doing RIGHT NOW.

Erik: On his laptop.

Karen: On her laptop.

Stanley: Chewing something.

Fred: Sitting, judging.

On TV: Sports that we are not paying attention to.

Underwear: optional.

“How’s Stanley?”

“You should post some pictures of Stanley.”

“Nobody cares about you, I want to know about STANLEY!”

Yes, yes – the burden of having Stanley is that his public’s thirst for pictures and stories is never quenched. Stanley is now 11 weeks and 3 days old. He’s still a little guy, but he’s definitely grown a lot.

He’s full of energy, so we’ve been doing leash training so we can take him on walks for exercise. It’s going.. well…

It’s going. He resists walking away from the house, and then sometimes will ease up and enjoy the walk. He always is excited walking back to the house. I tried taking him to the greenway today, but the bicycles scared him.

How’s Fred, you ask? He’s.. Fred.

He’s curious about Stanley, but more in a “What the hell?!?” kind of way. He avoids Stanley but does not seem too put out by him. Stanley sometimes likes to chase Fred, but Stanley just wants to play. We’re discouraging the chasing and trying to get Fred more comfortable with Stanley around. I think it is slowly working, but they may never be best buddies.

Usually, I do not blog in the middle of a weekday. Normally, I’d be at work now and the most interesting thing I’d be able to write is “Someone heated their lunch in the microwave, and it smells like a combination of burnt popcorn, tuna and dog food.” Not today, though. Today I am serving the judicial system and fulfilling my civic obligation with jury service.

Side note: Do you think judges call the act of passing a bowel movement “banging a gavel”? Because I just did.

I served on a jury three years ago for the first time. The case was a small and ridiculous civil suit, and the trial was over in three days. Admitedly, I was disappointed that it was not some horrific murder trial that I was serving on. Sure, I’d be sequestered for weeks or months and be trapped with 11 other people who wanted to be anywhere but there. But secretly, we all want to see what it’s like to be witness to a “Law & Order” type of case.

When I served three years ago, the courthouse was undergoing construction and improvements. This project is now complete, and the new accomodations are lovely. But the experience has not changed. There are now several different rooms where we can fight off sleep and read the same book over and over. Now, we get to watch crappy movies on a flat-panel TV, instead of someone’s old 19″ set.  And speaking of crappy movies, today’s movie at Jury Theater is:

Me: “They are playing some super dumb movie that I bet was on Lifetime. It stars Brian Dennehy and James Garner and is called ‘The Ultimate Gift’.”

Erik: “How self serving from Brian Dennehy and James Garner to think a moving starring them is the Ultimate Gift.”

The other highlight of the day was when the orientation video was playing during check-in. The host of the video told us that the court system of North Carolina is thankful that we are serving our civic duty. The 50+ year old man behind me giggled and said “She said ‘duty’!” Ladies and gentlemen, if you are ever a plaintiff or defendant in a trial, please note that this could be your jury – middle-aged men who giggle at vaguely dirty-sounding words, and women who spend 10-15 minutes of their precious time thinking of a pun to describe their bowel movements.

ETA:  DAMNIT I got called in for a jury 15 minutes before they let everyone go for the day. Have to return tomorrow. Will give details when my service is done.

Two, perhaps three people reading this blog know a certain fact about me. It’s something from my past that I must admit is incredibly silly, so please be gentle with me. After all, what is the internet for if not for revealing embarrassing revelations to millions or dozens of people and expecting nothing but support in return?

Almost a decade ago, I used to write this online column covering TV shows. They were stream-of-consciousness style recaps and discussions of the shows that I was obsessed with back in those days. The thing was, the columns often featured “conversations” with the characters, so I could (for example) ask Ben just what the hell he was thinking when he cheated on Felicity.

Why yes, I was already under the care of a licensed psychologist during this time. Why do you ask?

The most frequently appearing characters were Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, because I LOVE(D) THE X-FILES. I can not emphasize that enough. I loved the writing, the acting, the stories, the humor, the horror, the characters. I loved Skinner and Krychek and the Lone Gunmen and The Smoking Man and Scully and OH GOD YES… Mulder.

I loved Scully and Mulder together (yes, I am still a ’shipper) but I preferred Karen and Mulder together. The editor of the website I wrote for was incredibly lenient and let me get away with a lot. Due to my Mulder crush and raging hormones, the unofficial name of the column was “The Truth Is In My Pants”.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Scully as well. In fact, I really did love pretty much everything about this show. Until the final seasons, where David Duchovny left the show and Robert Patrick and Annabeth Gish came on to replace Mulder and Scully. I turned it off until the final episode, which made me apprehensive until Mulder walked across the room to kiss Scully, and I squealed so loudly that my neighbor thought the fire alarm had gone off. (True story.)

My poor husband (and I must interject here to say that Mulder has nothing on Erik David Garrett, who is the awesomest and hottest man alive) has had to listen to me flip out about the second X-Files movie for many months. Until last week, it looked like he was going to have to see the movie with me. He has no interest in the show or the movie, and had not been this less excited to see a movie since Snakes on a Plane. Which I dragged him to. And I am not entirely sure he has ever forgiven me for it.

Last weekend, my friend Kat said she’d see it with me on opening night, saving Erik from a fate worse than death – listening to his wife squeal and giggle and inadvertently rip his arm out of its socket over dorky references and another man for over two hours. However honey, if you’re reading this, you’re still totally welcome to come. And then you can go searching for the truth. Hint: it might be in my pants.

This is what a 30-year-old looks like.

I wanted to take a picture with no makeup on. So I did. But I never said I would not use the retouch tool in my photo editor.
On this event of the anniversary of my birth, I have rebelled in the ways that only a 30-year-old who has high blood pressure, depression, OCD, ADD and a deep sense of shame can.

1. Took the day off.

2. Told Erik I’d only sleep until 8. Knew that might not be true.

3. Slept until 10.

4. Wore a semi-sheer shirt and my Chucks. Two things Erik hates when I wear in public.

5. Had to drive to the DMV. Sped the entire way.
6. Went to the DMV. Knew I’d have my picture taken. Still did not wear make-up.

7. Was overly sweet to the DMV Examiner to persuade him to see me before he took lunch. And it worked! I still got it!
8.  Ignored recommended diet and had fried chicken for lunch. And a beer.
9.  Instead of cleaning the house as I originally intended to do, I gave the dog a bath and watched Comedy Central.

10. Phone rang. I let it go to voicemail even though I was perfectly capable of answering it. But I did not feel like putting the TV on mute.

Look out, world. Who knows what crazy shenanigans I will pull next?  I might drive with the windows open AND the AC on. I might not put makeup on at any time during the day. I might decide to watch bad TV INSTEAD of sitting down with a good book. I’M JUST THAT WILD AND CRAZY.

Now, if you’ll excuse me. I need to go to the grocery store, than take a nap. A REBELLIOUS NAP!

Thanks to everyone letting us know the blog was down the past week. Apparently our hosting company decided to retire the database server that was the backend to this site…without telling us. I have sent multiple emails to their support, and have heard nothing back. Finally, this morning, I went through their FAQ site, and found this article indicating some lost data. I saw the phrase upgrade to new platform and knew something was up.

I found some other support articles, and was able to figure out the new server name, new database name, and new username they gave us without letting us know anything was changing. Unfortunately, it looks like the last 2 months worth of entries are gone, or at least “out of sync” according to the article reference above.

Stay tuned, but at least we’re back. Needless to say, we’ll be looking at alternative hosting solutions very soon.