First off, congratulations to the Family Fitz and welcome to the world, Caroline! I can’t wait to send over onesies with inappropriate yet funny sayings.
Erik is in Alabama now on business. So last night, Pizza came over for dinner and to watch “My Stepson, My Lover” on Lifetime (of course). Best/Worst movie ever. Starring Terry O’Quinn (better known as Locke on Lost), it tells the timeless story of a nurse/doctor (see below) who saves Locke’s life then falls for him after like 2 dates. At the wedding, she meets her new stepson, some dude from The Young & The Restless (good eye, Pizza) who spends his time building the worst cabin ever and riding on horses with a riding helmet and no shirt. Locke is on business trips all the time, so Nurse/Doctor and Stepson/Lover spend all of their time being grossly inappropriate to each other and finally doing it on the poorly-constructed stairs of the cabin. Locke then gets a fax saying “Your new wife just shagged your son” and gets all angry. Nurse/Doctor chases him to the poorly constructed cabin but finds him dead after falling off the deck (I mentioned the poorly constructed part, right?) and the Stepson/Lover looking guilty and shirtless.
At the trial of Stepson/Lover, it is revealed that he blamed Locke for his mom’s death. But the lawyer (named “Preach” because he was a Southern black man) gave the jury enough reasonable doubt that Nurse/Doctor could have done it, and Stepson/Lover is acquitted. Afterwards, much boning ensues. Then, it is revealed that Stepson/Lover sent Locke the fax to lure him out to the poorly-constructed cabin. Stepson/Lover pushed Locke over the railing, which was more poorly constructed after Stepson/Lover removed the bolts holding it together. But while revealing the truth to Nurse/Doctor, Stepson/Lover falls off the same railing (he never replaced the bolts!). Surprise ending: he doesn’t die, instead is confined to a wheelchair as a quadriplegic. Nurse/Doctor kisses him and feeds him ice cream.
Sigh. Where do I start with this?
1) I called her Nurse/Doctor because she said she was a nurse, yet she wore a white coat. Dana, can you confirm for me that doctors are the ones with the white coats? And nurses wear the outfits with funky prints or teddy bears on them?
2) Who meets their stepson AT THE WEDDING? Especially considering it seemed like he lived there, or at least in very close proximity. He was always at the stables, riding shirtless.
3) This movie was filmed in Charlotte, NC. There are several shots where you can see the Bank of America building and Panthers Stadium in the background. Since it takes place in the South, all of the actors feel compelled to put on HORRIBLE Southern accents. Nurse/Doctor truly has the worst accent you have ever heard, will ever hear. It was like James Van Der Beek in Varsity Blues, only with a swollen tongue and the inflection of pre-Henry Higgins Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady.
4) The movie tried to make it seem like Nurse/Doctor went to Stepson/Lover because Locke was so mean and domineering, but he wasn’t. He just was gone a lot on business trips. Nurse/Doctor said that Locke forced her to stop being a nurse… so why did she keep showing up in scenes at the hospital in her white coat? When Locke confronted Nurse/Doctor about having turned her stepson into her lover, he pushes her down on the bed and the director was probably thinking that was sufficient to show abuse. But if I were Locke, I would have scissor-kicked Nurse/Doctor in the chest.
5) This movie had the timing and editing of a soft core porn with all of the dirty parts taken out. Seriously, everything I described above from the beginning to Locke’s death happened in the first 40 minutes. And there were huge time leaps… even more than a usual Lifetime movie. Somehow, the 5 minutes spent on Locke and Nurse/Doctor’s marriage was supposed to represent 2 years. Also, they would show Nurse/Doctor kissing Stepson/Lover or Locke and then BAM, next scene they are putting their clothes on. What the heck is that about?
6) I have not laughed this hard at a bad movie since Alien vs. Predator. Actually, I think I laughed harder at this one.
7) What kind of idiot would send a note of betrayal via fax? Send it via regular mail with disguised handwriting. Have some respect, man. At least send it by email – this movie was done in 1997, so don’t tell me your only option was fax, Stepson/Lover.
This movie is saved on the Tivo where I record Grey’s Anatomy, Top Model and Martha Stewart. (The Tivo practically has its own uterus!) If you drop by the House of Garrett, we can watch it together.
I’ll post more stuff later (I promise I am putting pictures on Flickr tonight) but do have one more thing to add. If you are one of the kind souls who gets me a Christmas gift, here is my Amazon wish list. It’s full of things that Erik has either rolled his eyes at or told me I could not have (more cookbooks, Converse sneakers, a MacBook, Martha Stewart stuff). I promise I did not build the list that way on purpose, it just happened that way. Anyway, don’t say I never gave you gift ideas.
