Karen, Erik and Jack

You wanna be on top… of Allison’s fat ass?!? Fatima for the win, you guys! She’s my favorite this year because she gives me the most giggles. Marvita is a close second. Now that they are friends, they will be unstoppable. As soon as they cut two feet off both of their weaves.
The makeup challenge was at Wal-Mart this episode – likely because even Target wants nothing to do with that crazy bat Tyra. And Kmart already has a famous megalomaniac running around.

Nothing much to say about makeovers, except Lauren is now hot (until she opens her mouth). Alison and her red hair (and fat ass) look like a broke-down Alyssa Milano. NOT a compliment. Also, TYRAVISION? Seriously, I felt like I was watching Blind Date. Erik: “Wait… did she just say, ‘I’ve never seen anything like this, but it’s something I invented.’?”

(Disclaimer: I’m sure Erik would want everyone to know that he did not watch ANTM voluntarily. Instead, his mean wife put it on while he was working on his laptop on the couch.)

Dominique is U-G-L-Y, she ain’t got no alibi, she ugly – both in appearance and that stank attitude. And she’s not going to lose that tranny reputation by saying things like “In my situation, I’m both the mother and the father”. But I think it’s unfair for them to say she looks like a soccer mom when they are the ones who gave her that haircut. Still, I don’t like her or her hidden penis, so blah blah blah. And those high waisted pants she wore at elimination – was she sporting camel toe or moose knuckle? WHO KNOWS?
Is Tyra ever going to stop pronouncing her name as “STAY-cee ANNNNNNNNNN”?

Goodbye, Allison. The elimination doesn’t mean that you’re not good enough, it doesn’t mean that you’re not beautiful, and it doesn’t mean that you’re not going to be a model. It just means that Tyra thinks you’re an ugly loser and Fatima thinks you have a fat ass. Karen agrees!

ETA: Jamsky just brought up an EXCELLENT point that I totally overlooked. When Fatima was getting her weave done, she was crying because she said it was “the most painful thing”. Really, Fatima? Getting a weave was the most painful thing that has ever happened to you? Well folks, you heard it from Fatima – weavery is more painful than female genital mutilation.

(Week 3 is coming up later… I promise I’ll catch up, ladies)

Wanna be on top? I wouldn’t want to be on top of these girls if I was a meatball and they were Ol’ Smokey. I don’t doubt that these girls are all covered with cheese, though.

The girls leave the comfort of the drag queen cruise and head into their new home. But this season, they have a MESSAGE. Jesus. They’re all about the GREEN, as in saving the earth. So their bus runs on bio-diesel, and their house has helpful signs around like “Limit your showers to under 10 minutes. Because no amount of water is going to wash ugly off.” Every other blogger has commented how their house has lights and whatnot running 24/7 and is about as eco-friendly as a Hummer, so I won’t add to that. But you know that Tyra’s vision of “going green” stopped when she demanded that all “Tyra Mail” be printed on green-colored paper. It’s probably full of artificial dyes that kill dolphins. And speaking of wide-faced mammals, Mila says “It’s really important just to be aware of what keeps our earth good.” I’m going to let that statement stand on it’s own, thanks.

The photo shoot this week is to document the horrible effects of smoking. Tyra thinks this is controversial, but… really? I think pretty much everyone now knows that smoking = bad news. Does she not know what the word controversial means? Of course not. She doesn’t know what “going green” means. She probably thinks it means gorging on all the green M&Ms.

The girls take one “glamorous” photo – note the use of sarcastic quotes – and one showing the “controversial” side effect. These include gingivitis, coughing up blood, facial tumors, losing hair from chemo, and having a stillborn baby. You just know the writers were really reaching for side effects. How about the real dangers of smoking – like being broke because smokes cost so damn much? Or having stinky fingers and lips? Or looking like an idiot because you’re trying to blow smoke rings and you end up making BJ face?

The only real drama here is that Lisa (stripper!) and Bianca ($25 weave!) get into a shouting match, and Lisa pulls out the tears when Bianca says that America’s Next Top Model wouldn’t be awarded to a stripper. Why not? Last year it was awarded to a pre-op scarecrow who talked like Charlie Brown’s teacher. I think a “bikini dancer” would be a step up. Also, Mila acts like the idiot she is.

Back at the house, these bitches are acting a fool! Heather tells the girls about her Asperger’s, and the girls are all “What’s that? It sounds WEIRD.” Then they talk amongst themselves about how Heather is WEIRD. And Kimberly (What’s her face?) gets the bitch edit by saying that she won’t try to be friends with Heather because “girls like that, they cling.”

!!!!!!!!!! These girls SUCK! Heather is wonderful and my favorite contestant and you girls are heifers! I’m so easily manipulated by the editing on this show. But seriously, you’d have to have a cold, dead heart to not feel for Heather. They sent her crying to her mom! The girls are making fun of her when she’s only about 10 feet away. I hope they get the clap. The editing also tries to make Victoria (horse-face!) look like a good person because she doesn’t approve of the bitchery and does not participate. But she didn’t actually speak up or defend Heather. So I’ll continue to throw horseshoes her way.

Next, the girls go shopping at Old Navy for some basic clothing to wear to the judging. Naturally, they ignore the advice Miss J (who is actually looking dapper, if not hungover, in his little day-sailing outfit) and the critique the judges give in EVERY PRIOR SEASON and go nuts for dumpy shirts, cheap necklaces and ill-fitting capris. And the judges rip them a new one for it.

At the judging, Tyra & Co. pretty much tell the girls that their outfits suck and their ugly. Especially Mila, whose photo makes her look like she’s mid-fart. Mila only farts rainbows! But she can ride that rainbow home, because she gets eliminated. This is wonderful – the person I hate gets kicked off the show. Just like Grey’s Anatomy!

Next week: Ghosts! Perhaps of bitches past?

It’s gonna be late this week.

Get over it.

Previously… you voted! ANTM won! Get over it, boys!

On to the recap…

Wanna be on top? That’s what Miss Tyra asks in her song. But frankly, I wouldn’t want to be on top of any of these girls, even if they were peanut butter and I was jelly. In her little monologue, Miss Tyra debates the standards of “beauty” – should a successful model be “edgy” (read: ugly) or “classically pretty” (read: fitting for a Sears catalog). These girls are definitely not what I’d call beautiful, and in the staged “Tyra calls the semi-finalists to let them know they were chosen and they just happen to have a camcorder running to catch the event” moments, you can tell that not only are these girls fugly, they are bad actresses.

The girls are surprised at their destination of San Juan by Miss J, who is dressed in a sailor girl outfit. Amazingly enough, this is NOT the gayest outfit of the episode. It’s not even the gayest first appearance. Miss J gives them some BS line about how as a top model, they’ll be traveling via cruise ship ALL THE TIME (…?) so what better place to have the semi-finals? I dunno… A dumpster? Hardee’s? The girls board and are immediately made to do a runway show wearing their current outfits and lifejackets. This is where we begin to meet them. Meet:

Mila! She’s really happy! And she looks like the Pillsbury Dough Boy! And you could park a car in her ass! I hate her already.
Marvita! The love child of Chris Rock and Grace Jones. She’s from the streets, y’all!

Victoria! She’s from Yale and claims to be smart and beautiful. But from looking at her and resisting the urge to throw a saddle on her, we know she’s mistaken about at least one of those adjectives.

Ebony! She’s the bitch, and my vote for the one who’s actually a man. A much funnier blog guessed that man was Count Chocula. She’s supposed to be the villain of the show, but I hate Mila much more.

Heather! She has a mild hump and Asperger’s Syndrome! She’s endearingly awkward, which means the other girls are going to eat her alive.

Lisa! She’s a stripper. But she leaves her bikini on when she gives you a boner, so it’s ok.

Sarah! She’s fat but only in comparison to the other girls (she’s a size 8-10, so she’s fine). But she’s self-conscious so she tries to impress Tyra by sticking paper up her nose. I bet she did it because her hick friends told her that all models are thin because of everything they snort up their nose. Whoops, misunderstanding!

There are some other chicks too, including a tragically-named “Spontaneouse” who doesn’t end up a finalist anyway because she just wasn’t crazy or weird enough. That should give you an idea of the caliber of talent here.

The girls are eating breakfast and starting their bitch motors when some crazy fat showgirl stumbles on the stage. Oh wait, that’s TYRA! In a feathered headdress! Singing! Remember when Tyra put out her album? I bet she was on this cruise ship promoting her next single, and decided to make the first ANTM episode film her on the cruise so she’d get extra miles. I rewatched this part 4 times because it felt like a documentary about beached whales on Discovery. Everyone loves whales! Including these girls, who act like they just saw the Second Coming.

Audition time! Also time for some crappy ass walking. Seriously, these girls bitch and moan about how runway is so hard. It’s not! Nothing pisses me off on this show more than bad walking. I used to teach runway modeling back in the day, and I want to slap 3/4 of the girls for the following offenses:

Not standing up straight

Moving one arm more than the other

Sticking out your boobs or butt

Not sucking in your gut

Walking like a damn prostitute

Being Mila

The two weird parts of this are Ebony coming in and being all “I’m so fabulous!” and Tyra making her cry in 15 seconds. I think Tyra wants to be the next Barbara Walters. She’s already got the soft focus lens and “tell me about how much your childhood sucked” part down. The other weird part is a contestant named Janet who is a waxer. For her audition, she gives Tyra a simulated Brazilian. My god. I wouldn’t stick my hand in there even if there was a pot of gold on the other end!

First round of cuts. Girls who weren’t really given camera time – get off the ship and go home, losers! The rest get to have a photo shoot in the ocean and meet last year’s winner, Jaslene. Being a “top model” has changed her life so much! But no worries, she’s still carrying her testicles in her chin. Girls in bathing suits ensue. Almost all of them suck.

Tyra tells the girls that she, Miss J and Jay Alexander are going to figure out who the finalists are. Some of the girls tell Tyra why they should stay and it’s all “BOOOO HOOOOOO I can BE SOMEONE!” Then why are you on THIS show?

After the deliberations, it’s time to announce the finalists. They are (and introduced with how I will remember them because it sure as hell won’t be for their names):

Mila (Face like a sack of potatoes!)

Bianca ($25 weave!)

Chantal (So and so!)

Kimberly (What’s her face?)

Jenah (The ugly one!)

Ambreal (Denim legwarmers?!?)

Ebony (Possibly a dude!)

Heather (After school special!)

Janet (Doomed to give Tyra free kitty cat waxes if she wants to stay on the show)

Lisa (Classy stripper!)

Saleisha (actually pretty – looks like Ciara without the rumored penis)

Sarah (gets the fat jokes!)

Victoria (if she doesn’t win this, there’s always the Kentucky Derby)

Remember what the top model wins… um… a contract with Sam’s Club. Half a Twinkie. Some cheap lipstick Tyra dug out from the bottom of her purse.

The real winner is Tyra, of course – because she gets free air-brushing in all her weird photos! Stop lying, girl. You haven’t been that size in eight years.

See you next week. Stock up on popcorn and haterade.