This week in 24…
In DC at 8 am, that guy from Enterprise is just driving along with his daughter when BAM! His car is hit twice (2nd one was awesome) and he is kidnapped by some masked men, one of which has a soul patch and probably a craving for brains.
There’s a Senate hearing going on regarding allegations of torture (ha!) and the witness on the stand is Jack Bauer. He smartasses the senator doing the questioning, and I enjoy it. Jack testifies that he doesn’t need a lawyer because those are only for libtard pansies, that he totally tortured people, he “probably” broke procedure, and that the senator can just go ahead and wipe that smug look off his face unless he wants a manbag up the ass. As much fun as this is, he can’t continue because an FBI Agent (named Karen!) steps in and needs him NOW and it’s way more important than this piss-ant little hearing that’s probably not even on C-SPAN.
Karen and some agents take him to FBI, who also employs Janeane Garafaolo and a creepy looking dude. I personally prefer my X-Files FBI set, where it’s either a basement or a nice office, instead of this cube farm we see here. Jack meets some blonde boss dude named Moss, who tries to be all tough with him until Jack shoots him down and basically calls him a douche. I LIKE this Jack Bauer! Agent Karen tells him that they needed him because only someone as awesome as Jack Bauer could deal with a zombie. Who has risen from the dead? Do I even need to say it?
Erik: Soulpatch Tony can not be a zombie. Because he has a SOULpatch, and zombies have no soul.
Jack refuses to believe that Tony is not only alive, but now seemingly doing some sort of domestic terrorist activity. After all, Jack was there when Tony died. SO WAS I, JACK. So was I. But Agent Karen reminds him that the clock did not tick down silently, so he’s obviously still alive or at least feasting on the grey matter of every idiot who gets in his way. (Hopes this is where they cue the return of Kim Bauer…) Jack agrees to work on the case to at least prove Tony’s innocence and help him.
Meanwhile, Tony has Enterprise dude all bloodied up and creating some device for him. Turns out the device is to bust through the firewall of the system that controls everything – water and sewer, power, air traffic, etc. Cue Erik complaining that THERE’S NO WAY ONE SYSTEM WOULD CONTROL ALL THAT, OK? After some “persuasion”, the device is finalized. Tony and OMFG DONNIE PFASTER use the device to bust into air traffic control. This alerts a control tower, who alerts the FBI, who warns Ms. President.
Ms. President! She’s doing well. Except, well, the generic African country from 24:Redemption/What Jack Bauer Did On His Summer Vacation has been taken over by the guerilla leader (General Juma) and he’s committing genocide, and she has to make the call for America to invade them. Also, her son died. WTF? When she gets the news of the air traffic incident, she’s all MAN, what a bad day for THIS to happen! (trumpet)
After some investigation with FBI creepy guy, Jack finds a lead and takes Agent Karen to an old contact of his from CTU. Eurotrash Scar dude, from… hell, I forget. Scar pretends to know nothing until Jack just THREATENS to torture him with a ball point pen (then punches him, twice for flinching) . As Scar starts to give up Tony’s whearabouts, he is shot by a sniper. HATE when that happens. As FBI looks for the sniper, Tony calls Jack and tells him, BRRAAAAAAAAAAINSSS.
After that fun phone call, Tony uses “the device” with some other dudes, who makes some planes almost crash on the runway. Fun! Now make the planes arrive on time, and I’ll really be impressed. Ground control was all in a tizzy about it, but I guess that’s because none of them ever saw Die Hard 2. Now the device has been handed over to Tony’s terrorist buddies (are they zombies too?) who are working with a lieutenant from the guerilla group from the Fake African Country. Lt. Fake WILL MAKE THE GOVERNMENT PAAAAAAY for killing his brother. That wasn’t the government, that was Jack.
Jack knows the FBI must have a leak, but Agent Karen is refusing to believe it. She even makes him sit in the car until he can learn to play with the other kids! Jack soon shows her that the sniper has snuck out of the building WITH the help of one of her agents. Without telling anyone (including Moss, who is REALLY needy), they sneak away and follow the sniper as he leaves. They end up at a loading dock, kill the sniper, kill DONNIE PFASTER, and find Tony (who just deleted all of the zombie computer files). During Jack’s regularly scheduled shouting declaration of the episode (”WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!?”), Moss shows up in a friggin’ helicopter because he didn’t trust Agent Karen. Your tax dollars at work, my friends.
Today’s assignment for the comments: Agent Karen said she had Tony’s grave exhumed and DNA proved it was not his corpse in there. SO WHO WAS IT? My guess is Kim’s mountain lion.